Lessons at 45
Some birthday ruminations.
Today is my 45th birthday. It’s funny: fifteen years ago, when I turned 30, it was a hard day. I was working a job I hated, I had no money and I was single (although I had gone on a few dates with the woman I’ve been married to since 2011). It was a hard, existentially challenging birthday.
Forty wasn’t. I celebrated with my wife and two kids. I had a job I enjoyed and thrived in. Forty-five is similar. I have a wife I love, two kids who constantly amaze me, a house, and a dog. I have been at the same job for 12 years, and I am happy there and believe in what we do. In the last few years – since starting this Substack, actually – I’ve found a fulfillment in my outside writing that I haven’t had since I was at the paper. Life is good.
I know I’m firmly planted in middle age right now. I know it’s possible I could be closer to the end of life than the beginning, but I also know that, based on my family’s health history, it’s possible I’m right around the midpoint (selfishly, I hope I’m not even quite there yet. Let’s start walking more, eating less pizza and aim for 100, Chris). And while I joke with my kids about being an old man, the truth is that I don’t feel like some wise, gray-haired gentleman (although the grays are more prominent these days). Maybe it’s having young kids. Maybe that I got married relatively late. But I feel like I’m still young, still growing, and still – when I close off the cynicism to which I too easily fall prey – capable of wonder.
But I have learned some things.
When I turned 40, I published a list of 40 things I’d learned in life. I thought it might be appropriate to revisit that list, audit it, and maybe add a few. Some of these things are silly; some are deeply serious. Some are things I’ve thought up for myself; others are things that I was taught by others. Some came from study, others came from failure. But all are things that compose my personal DNA, and so I figured why not do the old man thing and pass them on1.
45 things I’ve learned in 45 years
“The most difficult lie I’ve ever contended with is this: Life is a story about me.” — Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz
One day, I interviewed an Oscar-nominated director. On another, I had my work praised by a high-level executive. I’ve had several long conversations with artists I deeply admire. But I still remember spending a day at Chuck E. Cheese with my son better than all of them.
It’s not bad if your faith changes over the years. The danger is if it stays the same.
It is harder to make someone laugh than to make someone cry, and infinitely more rewarding.
If your faith community is not regularly displaying love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control, find a new faith community.
Always institute a 24-hour delay between drafting a heated email/social media post/blog entry and hitting send/publish.
(From the TV show “Justified”): “If you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you’re the asshole.”
Choose collaborators who are more skilled than you. You will naturally push yourself to be better.
Use all of your vacation time.
You will never “make it.” There’s always another obstacle or goal. Just do what you love to the best of your ability, and pledge to keep getting better.
“Fake it ’til you make it” is a much better motto than “don’t do anything until you feel like it.”
Learn the difference between resume virtues and eulogy virtues. You’ll occasionally need the former, but the latter are essential to a good life.
There is a “Simpsons” reference for every situation.
Your full-time job may never fulfill you. Use it to fund your passions.
God can handle your cursing, your questions and your tears. Your silence is harder to do much with.
“No good movie is too long and no bad movie is too short.” — Roger Ebert
Life is not about finding yourself or treating yourself, but about giving yourself away to something greater.
Every celebrity spent the first few years pooping their diapers. Every CEO will be buried with empty hands. Someone’s rank, popularity or the letters after their name don’t earn them any more respect, dignity or attention than you should also receive.
Complaining is the most damaging sin to indulge.
“Just because you make $100,000 doesn’t mean you need to live a $100,000 lifestyle.” – An old pastor of mine.
“Intensity makes a good story. Consistency makes progress.” – James Clear
Your first night with your spouse, your child’s birth, and death bed vigils are holy moments.
Don’t idolize the famous, rich or influential. Study the person whose motto is “don’t be a jerk.”
Work supports your life; it’s not the other way around.
“Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them; they remember what you are.” — Jim Henson
The goal of marriage isn’t to stop fighting, travel more or be debt-free. It’s to stare into each other's eyes in the dusk of life, smile and say “we made it.”
Take five minutes every day to pet a dog.
You never know which “hello” will start a lifelong conversation or which “goodbye” is the last.
Many things you think are ruining your life are quite possibly saving it.
About 95% of the people you think are mad at or disappointed in you are really just not thinking about you at all.
Your 20-year-old self will probably hate your 45-year-old self. Ignore him; he’s just a kid.
We all experience brief moments of incomparable, transcendent beauty. Treasure yours, tell it to no one. Cling to it when life seems unbearable.
A near-death experience in your twenties changes your perspective quickly.
“Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.” – Stephen King, On Writing
Your company isn’t your family, your CEO isn’t your friend. Even the best business will not hesitate to turn you loose for profit.
You will never regret doing the right thing, even when it tears you apart.
When you take a long walk, leave the earbuds at home. You’ll hear the more important things more clearly.
Don’t just be yourself — be the best version of yourself.
God is real, religion is complex, faith can’t be easily defined. Your attempts to explain or manage it will only dilute it. Accept the mystery.
Fear is the world’s worst psychic.
You’re never ready for what’s next; the preparation is in the doing.
“Be curious, not judgmental.” – Walt Whitman (via Ted Lasso)
The idea that your main life narrative is “learn, work, retire, die” is a lie created to fuel a capitalist machine. Those may indeed be part of your story, but never mistake them for the main plot.
Think of your death regularly. Not obsessively, and not with anxiety. But remind yourself that there’s an end to this story, and regularly consider whether the path you’re taking leaves you in a place to close it out content, happy and at peace with others.
“Life’s like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.” – Kermit the Frog
By the way, anyone who knows me really well will be able to look at this list and my life and tell you I’m a hypocrite. I know that. Many of these lessons were learned because I’m too aware of my own tendencies toward workaholism, cynicism, selfishness and apathy. These lessons are my guardrails to keep me on the right road.