JURASSIC WORLD: DOMINION broke me

And a note on the next few Franchise Fridays.

On a normal Friday, you’d be getting a Franchise Friday entry from me. But friends, I don’t know that I have it in me. 

Part of it is sheer exhaustion. I’m still acclimating to my new job, and this week took a turn for the very busy that’s left me mentally frayed at the end of the day, and definitely not in the mood to write about movies I don’t particularly like. I’m gearing up for some business travel that will last the majority of next week, so I’m also prepared for my writing to take a bit of a hit in the evenings again. 

But also, I simply can’t write another word about the Jurassic World franchise. 

It took all my willpower last week to summon something interesting to say about Jurassic World, a movie that I actively dislike but that has so little substance that there’s nothing to tear into. Late last weekend, I finally got around to seeing J.A. Bayona’s Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. It’s possibly even dumber and more outlandish than Colin Trevorrow’s first entry, but I’ll admit to liking it slightly more because of the absurd turns it takes in its final hour. Also, it helps that Bayona knows his way around a set piece, and there are a few fun moments and arresting visuals. And based on its ending, I thought maybe the third entry in the Jurassic World franchise would go to some interesting places. 

But then, friends, I saw Jurassic World: Dominion. And here was my reaction: 

Like a meteor smashing into the Earth to wipe out the dinosaurs, Jurassic World Dominion crashes into movie theaters to extinguish the last vestiges of life in the wheezing Jurassic Park saga. Just weeks after Top Gun: Maverick reminded audiences of the joys of big-screen entertainment, Colin Trevorrow delivers what is possibly the dumbest, most insufferable blockbusters in years. 

Nearly 30 years after Steven Spielberg brought dinosaurs back to life on the big screen, there are now six movies in the Jurassic Park franchise, and still only one of them is good. But Jurassic World Dominion is easily the bottom of the barrel, a film so bloated, dull and inept that it risks tarnishing the existence of Spielberg’s 1993 classic.

You can read the rest of the review over at CinemaNerdz. Suffice to say, I was not a fan.

It’s almost baffling how bad Jurassic World: Dominion is. Just for starters: That image up top? It’s the most visually interesting thing Colin Trevorrow has come up with for the movie — and it’s not even in the final film (it was an online prologue released several months back). They had an interesting idea in front of them – humans navigating a world overrun with dinosaurs. So why did they think people would want to see the heroes at another remote dinosaur facility, navigating tales of corporate malfeasance (to be 100% fair, the ludicrous locust story is on par with some of the lesser Crichton novels)? This feels less like a Jurassic Park movie and more like a Fast and the Furious entry was genetically spliced with a really bad SyFy movie (and I know there’s a certain so-bad-it’s-good allure that might bring up, but the movie is too dull to ever achieve any amount of cheesy fun). 

And really, I just don’t know that I have anything more to say about it. These movies are dumb. They are bad. But they’re also totally empty calories, existing to do nothing more than pander to 1990s nostalgia and keep Universal’s IP alive so it can keep churning out sequels, cartoons, merchandise and theme park attractions. There are no ideas to engage with and, in the case of Trevorrow’s entries, no interesting aesthetic choices to offset his dunder-headed scripts. To continue writing about Jurassic World would be to find new variations on how far removed this is from Spielberg’s original or think up new quips about the anti-chemistry between Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard. And, guys, I just don’t have the energy for that at the moment. 

So, we’re going to hit pause for just a little bit, at least on this round of Franchise Friday. I’m going to still get a few pieces out to you next week. I’d love to talk some Stranger Things once my wife and I finish this season. I have some thoughts about movie trailers I want to jump into. And I’m sure there might be something to say about Lightyear. But Franchise Friday, just for this week and next, will take a brief hiatus. 

But Franchise Friday WILL be back on Friday, June 24. And guys…we’re talking PREDATOR.