The roof over my head

Providence and gratitude at the end of 2023

I’ve heard people talk about being thankful for the roof over their head, but 2023 was the first year in which I can say I understood it from a literal perspective. 

The problem actually started almost exactly a year ago. We were heading to a family holiday gathering when my wife noticed that a small problem on our ceiling had morphed into a not-so-small one during some recent snow storms. It wasn’t caving in or anything like that, but the drywall peeling from the ceiling was proof that water was getting in from above. The drips in the laundry room and at our sliding back door that I’d ignored for years only served as further evidence that I could no longer do so. 

Early in the spring, when the snow melted, I called a roofer to get his thoughts on how we might be able to patch up what I assumed was a small problem in the corner of our roof. He quickly shut down any hopes I had for that. The roof was pushing 25 years old, the end of its lifespan, and the shingles were shot. Plus, shoddy craftsmanship when the roof was installed (not by me) meant water had already been leaking in and likely damaging the wood underneath. It was going to be time for a new roof, or at least half of one. 

The price he quoted for just a half a roof replacement made me push it back again; there was no way we could afford this repair. Not on my wife’s salary at a church. Not after I’d walked back a high salary at another job last year when it proved to be a bad fit. Not when, one month later, I woke up to find our laundry room flooded not from above but from a hot water heater that finally gave up the ghost. Not when we’d booked a Disney World trip for our kids for 2024 that we’d already put off for years. 

We weren’t in particularly dire straits, mind you. We didn’t make peanuts. Our mortgage is never in jeopardy of not being paid; we’re not behind on our bills. We can occasionally take some nice trips. But there’s an inconvenience and then there’s a back-breaking expense, and I’ll confess that it caused some heavy anxiety and mental anguish over the next few months as I tried to ignore the leaks whenever it rained, pray that a second opinion would contradict the first, and kicked myself for walking back that extra pay and bonus at the bad job.  

Flash forward to today, the end of 2023. The other night, it poured. I didn’t notice because there was no leaking at the sliding door or in the laundry room. And that’s because just about a week before Christmas, a group of roofers came out and put a new roof on our house. Yes, it was expensive. But when I signed for it, there was no feeling of my world caving in, no question about how we were going to afford it. It was only about eight months from when I’d gotten that first estimate, but I felt like I was living in a whole other set of circumstances. 

There was a breaking of the dam this summer that started to change things. First, I stopped handling finances for our family and handed it over to my wife. This was a big deal. I had held onto them with an iron fist for the first 11 years of our marriage, changing the subject when Kelly would want to sit down to budget, keeping her unaware of what our bank account was doing, and taking out loans and credit cards to plug holes. It’s not that I’m a control freak, but that in my twenties, I had a habit of making very bad financial decisions (one day, I’ll write about the $2,160 for a video dating service) and I wanted to prove that I’d changed, that I was good with budgeting and saving and taking care of everything. 

Spoiler alert: I am not. And I finally gave up, brought my wife in to see the totality of bad decisions I’d made, and ceded all control of finances to her (who has actual experience managing budgets). And she was able to take control, triage my bad decisions and get us on better footing much more quickly. It was astonishing how much that openness brought us closer together and alleviated anxiety that had been a weight around my ankles. Within a week, I was sleeping well again. 

Two weeks later, my wife lost her job. 

It’s a complicated and long story, and it’s not mine to tell. The Reader’s Digest version is that she had taken a job a few years back that left her unhappy. There was drama and toxicity, and a great deal of stress. The fact that it was at a church, one which we attended and served, only compounded the issue. And in the summer, she was offered the chance to leave. And while I had a moment’s hesitancy, after talking it over with her, I realized it was a good option for her to leave behind that stress, start over, and find something worthy of her time and talent. The fact that her workplace offered a very generous severance package also made it an easy decision. And in August, she was unemployed. 

The Bible talks about a peace that surpasses all of our understanding. I’ve only experienced that a few times – peace is not really a feeling with which I’m too familiar. But when she left her job, despite having no other employment secured, it’s what I felt. I knew it would be good for her. I knew she needed to leave the stress behind. I knew that there were better things ahead for her. I knew it was the right decision, even if we didn’t know the outcome. I also knew she was extremely smart, talented and dedicated, and would have no problem finding a new job. 

She ultimately was a finalist for three positions in less than two months, two of which made offers. And in October, she started a new job at a place that is much lower stress, offers a much more flexible schedule and which rewards and appreciates her talents as a communications professional. The change to our financial situation has been welcome, but the greatest thing has been watching the stress melt away and seeing her come home from work unruffled and unfrazzled. It was an answer to prayer in many ways. 

As for my job, this was an important year. Like I said, in 2022, I left briefly for a position that paid more and that I thought was going to be a good opportunity. It was a bad fit, and I’m extremely thankful I realized that four months in, when I could still reach back to my old employer and return to my position. Even with the financial walk back, I never regretted it. This year was my 11th with my employer, and it was one in which I was pulled into some higher-level opportunities and given a chance to take on a bigger strategic role. And it was a year that further confirmed that I’d made the right decision in sticking with this organization. I work with a team I love, my office respects my work/life balance, I’m good at what I do, and I believe in our organization. I’ll be happy if I can stay here for another 11 years or longer. 

I briefly mentioned in past posts that we started attending a new church this year. The timing was, as you might be able to guess, due to my wife leaving her job at our old church. But I’ll be honest, leaving traditional Evangelicalism behind was a long time coming. Kelly and I have been very blessed over the last few years to attend churches that, while not perfect, never fully succumbed to the ideas of Christian Nationalism, and we had pastors willing to take stances against that. I’m very thankful for that. But Evangelicalism today on a large scale is so tightly identified with a political stance and an infatuation of American culture that seeps into its worship and practices that I could feel it choking off my faith even if our churches didn’t practice it. When I visited an Anglican church in the fall, it was largely an attempt to try something different and because I’d had several friends who were Anglican who had found deep meaning in its liturgical tradition. 

And what I found was something I’d been missing out on for years. I instantly was taken with its reverent service, and I found that the liturgies and practices were not stultifying but rather invigorating and formative. I love taking communion every week and I even have come to enjoy the Passing of the Peace – and that’s a big deal for a socially anxious individual. Even better, the leadership and the congregation have been extremely warm and welcoming, and we feel at home. But the most amazing thing has been recognizing that there’s a difference in me at the end of the service, something I can only attribute to a spiritual change. And I told my wife several weeks ago that all my life, it’s been rare – even considered suspect – to have a spiritual experience at church. In the Baptist traditions I grew up in, we tended to be suspicious of mystery, not to embrace it. 

This was a year in which it feels like life brought us to a new point of stability, and the roof is a physical reminder of that. And I need that reminder because, I’ll be honest, I don’t do well with stability and contentment. I’m prone to anxiety and I tend to follow up answered prayers with expectations that the other shoe will drop at any moment. And I want that roof to be a reminder of answered prayer and settled anxiety as I head into 2024. This was a good year, and I know we’re not guaranteed another one. But I want to celebrate what’s happened in the last 12 months and move forward with faith and confidence. I hope you are, too. 

Thanks for indulging another personal post. We’ll be back to movies Friday!