Cranky, stupid, ‘Kong’

Latest monster mash is a big, dumb Saturday morning cartoon.

Late last year, Godzilla Minus One reminded us that monster movies can tackle big themes, have compelling characters and be emotionally resonant. Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire clarifies that that’s not a requirement. 

The latest in the decade-spanning “MonsterVerse,” Adam Wingard’s sequel to Godzilla Vs. Kong is as big and dumb as movies come. Where last year’s “true” Godzilla movie gave us the giant lizard as a metaphor for the horrors of war and survivor’s guilt, this movie gives us a giant ape with a toothache and a dinosaur who gets cranky if he doesn’t get his nap. It feels like the Saturday morning cartoon version of these movies, spinning popular films into excuses to have a team of heroes dash off on adventures, equipped with a variety of vehicles and accessories that will get kids begging for a stop at the toy store on the way home (or just begging their parents to buy the goodies on Amazon as the credits role). 

And as a longtime fan of Saturday morning cartoons, I approve. 

Like Batman, Godzilla and King Kong can come in many flavors. There’s the serious, scary version that tackles the dangers of nuclear proliferation and the big, hulking Jack Black adventure with creepy crawlies in the jungle. They can be satire or horror, high adventure or camp. And a venture into kids’ movie territory is probably the best way to differentiate the movies produced by Legendary from the more serious ones we’re getting from Japan. 

Godzilla X Kong takes place a few years after the previous movie. Kong is happily living in Hollow Earth, biding his time fighting beasties and exploring his new world. Godzilla occasionally rises from his slumber (in the Coliseum) to fight random Titans that pester major cities. When Kong suffers a toothache, he ventures to the surface to get help from Kong-centric scientist Ilene (Rebecca Hall) and veterinarian to the monsters, Trapper (Dan Stevens). His appearance coincides with Ilene’s adopted daughter, a Skull Island native, experiencing psychic flashes of trouble below the surface. So, the crew commandeers a ship and heads to the center of the earth. Also, Bryan Tyree Henry’s podcaster is there for reasons. What they soon find is that an evil ape titan known as the Scar King has imprisoned other apes, with an ice-blowing dinosaur at his side. Only by teaming up Godzilla and Kong – with the help of Mothra – can the world be saved. 

This is all ridiculous, and I absolutely understand if most adults find it too insipid. It works on a logic that might have the Fast and Furious crew asking “really?” To call its characters paper-thin is to insult very fine paper-makers. Every character is broad, and there’s no reason half of them are on the adventure except that Ilene is really bad at saying no to people. There might be a relationship between Ilene and Trapper – the movie isn’t quite sure whether it wants to bother with that. And the podcaster might have ill intent or he might decide to keep Hollow Earth’s secrets, but the story also just kind of shrugs and doesn’t follow up on it. The humans are impediments that keep the movie from getting to the fireworks factory. 

But the actors are fine with it, and play the roles with breeziness and humor because none of this matters. While Hall is saddled with the rote emotional plotline of the worried mom, I also like that she’s excited to go on adventures and eagerly dashes off to Hollow Earth. Stevens bounds onto the screen bungee-jumping into Kong’s mouth for a tooth extraction, and he brings a loose, fun energy. Henry is funny as the man who gets the chance to take the adventure he’s always hoped for, only for it to be more than he can handle. Wingard keeps the proceedings loose and the settings colorful and imaginative; one of the enjoyable aspects of this franchise is how it’s bouncy and fun instead of dire and leaden with portent. 

And that extends to its titular monsters. Where the more serious – and, yes, better – films in these franchises treat Godzilla and Kong as misunderstood forces of nature or metaphors for humanity’s darkest impulses, Godzilla X Kong turns them into personalities. Kong is a grumpy Gus saddled with raising a mini-Kong he finds in the wild. Godzilla is basically a toddler, getting up to smash things before going back to sleep. When they fight, it’s not two primal animals vying for survival, but enemies slugging it out because they hate each other. At one point, Kong decks Godzilla and drags him down to Hollow Earth by his tail. When they team up, it’s like a WWE rumble, except the combatants are leaping off skyscrapers and the pyramids instead of ropes or steel cages. It’s big and theater-rattling; seeing it in Dolby Atmos, it gave me quite the massage. 

Is it good? I can’t answer that for you. I think it achieves what it wants – it’s a big, loud and silly romp that will entertain kids and distract those who want nothing more than dumb fun on a Friday night. I might be harsher on it if its sheer lunk-headedness didn’t make smile and if there hadn’t just been a legitimately great Godzilla movie less than six months ago. I will probably never watch it again – especially on a TV screen – but as a distraction after a busy week, it hit the spot. 

I also wonder if my companions at the movies sometimes change how I view them. I took both of my kids to see Godzilla X Kong, and I’ve noticed sometimes it really helps to see the movie from their perspective. It reminds me that not every movie is made for me, nor should it be. Seeing my 8-year-old daughter’s mouth agape as Kong tore a dinosaur in two or watching my 12-year-old son pump his fist when the two beasts finally teamed up proved the appeal of this franchise to the younger set and allowed me to watch it through their eyes – and sometimes, just letting things smash away for your inner child is a lot of fun. I know enough to know that seeing movies with my kids doesn’t diminish my critical faculties – nothing will ever persuade me that Wish wasn’t an abomination – but seeing it with them was a nice way to enjoy the movie on its own terms. 

I’m well aware this is not exactly a rave – or, depending on what you want from your Godzilla and King Kong royal rumble, maybe it is. I could watch this again, alone, and be completely disgusted in myself for having written this. But right now, reacting to what I felt Friday night as I sat there with my kids, I can just say…Godzilla X Kong…it’s fine!