I tend to spend birthdays looking back. I’m sure most people do – as we get older, we examine, reflect and reassess. Some years, this is rough; when I turned 30, I was in a job I disliked and still single, with no way of knowing that the girl I’d been on two dates with would, less than two years later, be my wife. Forty was different; by then, I’d been married nearly a decade, had two kids and a dog, owned a home, and had long been at a job that was a much better fit. I looked back and celebrated; last year, still happy and content, I mused on what I’d learned over the years.
I’m 46 today. Not much has changed in the last year. Still at the same job, have the two kids, the wife, and the dog. Last week, we got a cat. Things aren’t perfect, but life is good.
Being firmly stuck in middle age, I now spend less time looking back and more anticipating the next steps. It’s easy to feel old – which I’m also fond of – but I’m more regularly starting to think in terms of “there’s still time; what am I going to do with it?” Books about productivity and the grind have been replaced by more philosophical works like From Strength to Strength and The Second Mountain, as I’ve tried to better orient myself and my priorities around what I believe matters, will make me and my family most fulfilled, and do the most good.
Much of that comes from the knowledge that I winged it in my twenties and thirties, as I’m sure most of us do. I didn’t put effort into my undergraduate studies, and I didn’t make an attempt to start a career with my degree until my mid-twenties. I got married without probably understanding all I needed to about taking care of a family. I spent a good portion of my career taking a path that I thought was expected of me instead of the one that made me happy. An attempted career change a few years ago revealed how little I considered my values in these big life choices – thankfully, I was able to undo that change. In recent years, I’ve tried to become more thoughtful and intentional about keeping my beliefs and values central and setting boundaries to that effect.
Of course, you can’t plan too specifically. Life will throw you curveballs, markets will change, and our beliefs will evolve. And there are some things that you have to trust and wait through. I hope and pray my kids will grow up into fine adults – so far, they’re doing good – but I can’t rush that or make their decisions for them. I need to and have started to get healthier, but I know that control only extends so far. Man plans and God laughs, as the saying goes.
I’ve arrived at a place, though, where I’m more settled in what I believe and value, and while balance is still elusive, it’s better than it has been. I enjoy my job and I’m proud of the work I do, but I’ve become better about setting boundaries and not letting it become my identity. I’ve become more comfortable with questions in regard to faith; not every doubt is the end of the world, and I should be more wary if I’m not constantly questioning and changing aspects of what I believe. I struggle to get it all right, as we do, but I’m trying to spend more time with my wife and kids (and dog and cat), and keep my ambition in check so that it doesn’t tilt the balance away from what matters.
As I wrote a few weeks back, I’ve now been writing professionally for 20 years. I used to think I’d work my way up some ladder because that’s what you do, but I no longer believe that’s a path I want. I like doing the real work and getting an excuse to play with words. Moving up too far feels like a good way to kill my soul, and I don’t know that I have the DNA to suck up to executives or fully drink an organization’s Kool-Aid. Thoughts might change over time, but right now I’m proud to be a behind-the-scenes person for an organization I believe in, and I’m happy to keep doing this.
But I also am starting to wonder where the writing outside of the office takes me. My wife is starting master’s classes in the fall, and I’m beginning to think more about eventually getting around to the Ph.D, potentially with the goal of entering my 50s with the opportunity to write a book or teach. I used to think the end goal was a novel, and while that option is not off the table, the more I write, the less confident I am that my strengths are fiction, particularly long-form. When we went on a Florida vacation a few months back, I found a regional lifestyle magazine in our rental home, and thought “you know, it wouldn’t suck to spend the back years of my career writing these types of things.” There’s nothing concrete, no real plans, but I’m starting to think about ultimate aims and how I get there.
And that affects this newsletter.
I love what I’ve built here over the last five years. I’m grateful for the community of subscribers I have, the dialogue we engage in, and the chance to be part of a conversation that is focused on film but can also give way to more personal topics. I’ve written hundreds of pieces since 2020, and I can confidently say that some of what has been published is work I’m proudest of in my years of writing about film. It’s fun, and it’s rewarding.
But there are two issues.
One is that being in control of my own publication schedule and adhering to my own preferences and rules, while great, presents some obstacles. Because I’m starting from scratch, without a larger, respected platform for my writing, it limits my reach. Working without an editor also limits my writing; in my day job, I’ve learned how vital it is to have strong collaborators to catch my typos and make my writing stronger. And while I appreciate the ability to write at my own leisure, writing for another site would probably help instill the rigor and hustle I’ll need if I want to keep getting better.
There’s also the issue that writing this newsletter several times each week takes a lot of time. There are some nights and weekends where I have to finish these up and take time away from my family. I keep a balance as best I can. But to be honest, if I’m dedicating this much time to this much writing (and watching!)I need to make it worth their while. I appreciate those who have done paid subscriptions, but to be honest, if I am going to justify this time – and build future opportunities – I probably need to be bring in a bit more substantial income from this extra writing.
I was recently offered a position as a freelance writer contributing features to a fairly large and well-known movie site. It’s a lot of writing – slightly more than the pace I keep here, although the articles will be a bit shorter – and while the pay isn’t bringing me to a place where I can change my career, it is substantially more than I’ve ever been paid to write about films. It will help my family, it will get my writing in front of a larger audience, and hopefully it will create future opportunities. I start in August.
Now, what does that mean for Chrisicisms? I don’t quite know. Like I said, I built this up myself over the last five years. I’m proud of it, and I have no intention of shutting it down. This newsletter will continue. The nature of my writing for this other site is that I’ll largely be writing features, and I plan to keep this site my home base for reviews. I’ve found great fulfillment in writing about personal and spiritual issues here, and this will continue to be a place where I discuss faith, politics, and their intersection with film and culture. I imagine my pace will slow down. I still plan to put out at least one newsletter a week, hopefully two. We’re Watching Here will continue to be released here (it’s also on Spotify and iTunes). My end-of-year lists and Detroit-specific writing will post here. I imagine some of my other features – my Halloween series, my Summer of 19XX series – will transition to the new site in a new form. And, of course, once I’m up and running at the new site, I’ll keep you posted on how you can read what I write there.
For some of you, having one or two less emails each week will be a blessing, I’m sure. And moving at a slower pace and taking some more time to write these entries will hopefully result in better pieces. Eventually, my hope is that readers there make their way here, and I can sent you guys there to read my features, and this conversation will continues to grow. I look at this as the essential next step to be able to say I’m officially a professional film writer. If you currently pay for this newsletter – first, thank you for that support – I’m going to remove that feature for the time being. Maybe we’ll delve back into that option in time, but I don’t want people paying if I’m not sure what I can deliver.
There’s still a week before I start writing. This week, I’ll have thoughts on Fantastic Four: First Steps and Eddington. Perry and I are trying to record again really soon to talk about David Lynch’s Dune. There’s still at least one Summer of 1995 entry I want to post here before I start thinking about its next evolution for the platform. We’re going to keep this going, even if there’s a bit of a slowdown in August.
As always, I cannot thank you enough for reading, subscribing, commenting and sharing. I wouldn’t be able to take this next step without that support. Chrisicisms will continue, even though it will be a (slightly?) different form. I look forward to keeping this conversation going!
Congratulations on the new job! Best wishes for continued success!
Happy birthday!